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I thought she looked so beautiful,and I hoped that when I grew up I'd be as pretty as her on my weddingday." What?" Let me finish. I watched some show that had a wedding, so I startedpracticing my walk down the aisle. I'd sing 'here comes the bride" as Islowly walked, pretending there was a long train behind me." You imagined yourself as the bride?" Uh huh. I was so sure of that part. I'd be the bride in my prettywedding dress. Somehow it never even occurred to me to think of myselfas the groom." But it was just pretend .." Maybe that was, but things got worse. When I went into grade one, theyseparated us by gender for recess, and I couldn't understand why Iwasn't with the girls." You mean you wished you were a girl?" No, I mean I saw myself as a girl, somehow forced to pretend to be aboy." I ... really dont know what to say. But I cant help but think aboutwhat she said to me, about helping a friend. I guess that's you, and Ireally dont want to regret not helping you for the rest. I didn't want you to get this in the mail or anything like that, and I'm packing now. Can you believe this, all the packing I've done, and I'm packing again! But I'm... I'm so nervous! This decision just jumped up on me. I've known him for so long, but this is so sudden, it's... It just happened, it just seemed to happen after nothing for so long. He's talked about it for weeks and weeks, and I kept saying no, wait, it's such a big change, it changes everything. I couldn't even tell Ronnie. Not at first. Not all of it, not until yesterday. But I told him --" She breathed shakily, her voice almost a whisper again. "I don't believe it, I don't even believe it. I couldn't say yes, I couldn't. All I could say was I'd try, I'd try for a short time. I'd see." She stopped for a moment. I kept listening. She spoke normally again. "But I'm moving in a few days to stay with him in Connecticut, and I thought if you called I wouldn't have the phone here anymore in Manhattan, and I... Well, I.
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